Polyester Doll, Heathen Queen

I love what I say about myself sometimes.

I think the emotions of envy and inspiration are very closely related. Think about it. Malice and fear is to envy what inspiration owes adoration and delight.

I think emotions are like perfumes, they have different layers, but some share the same final note and that is where you can fully understand them. I know envy. When I was younger I was guilty of such behavior, but I have learned and changed. Any one can. This sickness is curable.

Why are my eyes and hair the same color? In light, my iris has red hues in it. So weird. I guess blue is my best accent color because I like how I look in blue contact too. Does that make me a ~*winter?*~ (No.) Werkkk itttt

Some times I want to give myself a new name. One that’s of the unisex kind and isn’t affiliated with a million little cute puppies named Molly. Molly means “bitter and childless.” It was a name reserved for Irish homosexual men and crass women. It is a variation of Mary, which many do not know that it also means “sea of bitterness; wanting child” Most imagine Christianity’s Virgin Mary. But alas, we are real fuckers who has fucked so hard many times but cannot produce children.

Okay, I like it again.

(if you Google it, it says “Star of the sea” I really think that was made up by people of the current internet world who felt bad that they named their kid after a slur for an Irish homosexual man/crass woman.)

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only thing in the world with a vagina who sees the word “slut” as a potentially good thing. Why is it so cool to be a “bitch” when you’re fighting the wrong fight? We worked hard to own the word bitch and now you’re slut-shaming other people?

Personally, I think all self-describing women should have a sense of unity about them, but it’s so lost. Especially in a time where our reproductive system is pretty much at war with the government, it’s really disheartening. I just want to shake people and say “Love yourself and set yourself free! There’s more important things to worry about!”

Oh, you spend your time putting others down for their “lack” of morals or having “no” self respect. I’m so over so-called “strong women” of today who think that calling out ass cheeks and cleavage as being morally corrupt when they don’t have the common decency to respect others and mind their own god damn business.

Furthermore, I think the emotions of envy and inspiration are very closely related. Think about it. Malice and fear is to envy what inspiration owes adoration and delight.

I think emotions are like perfumes, they have different layers, but some share the same final note and that is where you can fully understand them. I know envy. When I was younger I was guilty of such behavior, but I have learned and changed. Any one can. This sickness is curable.

Dear Bitch, next time you feel the pang of envy when you see a scantily clad slut*, replace the feeling of self-loathing and outward hatred for a DAMNED STRANGER and feel love and respect, or maybe… just maybe… you could allow yourself to be turned on.

This also goes out to all the hot cam whores, models, and strippers who are shamed by people who are uncomfortable with themselves. I think you’re fucking hot. I may have only had sex with like, motherfucking 3 people ever in my life, but that doesn’t stop me from accepting people who are differently sexual. We all have a different code that makes up our sexuality. We shouldn’t pin it against each other.

Words drive me crazy.

* = read the word “slut” in your head like you love it.

Testing out the new dress. Horray! Vegas here I come.

Now to pick out shoes…

So I am officially diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. By a professional. Horrayyyyyyy Not really but I feel like I should go buy myself a pair of earrings to commemorate trying to medicinally solve a problem I’ve had since 4th grade. Will I ever hyperventilate again? Probably, but at least I have help. Whatever, it’s not really that big of a deal. I seriously have had panic attacks since grade school. The diagnosis is not leading me to any new discoveries about myself. Buuut it will be interesting to see what a SSRI does to my head. Strangely excited. I hope I don’t stop daydreaming. Or being intuitive. Or insightful.

Does anybody else like to buy themselves something little to remind themselves of a milestone?

I feel like I have been doing a fabulous job of handling my head throughout my life. I battled an eating disorder for over 8 years and March marked two years of being body-positive and free of disordered thinking/habits. I am still working very hard to uncover my true potential in life. I know that one day I’m going to do something truly great and leave this world knowing I turned a stone or left a mark some where. Some times I know that by being sweet to people I am probably doing that in a small scale already. Eat it, meanies. Lick. It. Up.

Let’s talk about anxiety:

Does anybody else feel anxious when people talk about some one “belonging to them” and saying “you’re mine/I’m yours?” Even if it’s not about me it makes me feel anxious. Nobody belongs to any one. Cory doesn’t belong to me. We are together but we do not own each other. He and I are individuals. I feel like it’s unhealthy to think that way. At least for me. It feels…. religious….

I also have never, even as a little child, wanted to get married. I didn’t even have a wedding dress for Barbie. I feel anxious because I want to share this with my mom and dad so I can set them up to not be disappointed when I’m like 38 and I’ve been dating the same person for 20 years… Never getting married. I don’t believe in it for myself. It does not suit my life. I am not to be married. I feel like it’s too much about money, the law, and religion. My saying is “I don’t want the law in my love.” Also, I feel like it is deeply involved with organized religions of the world, none of which I follow…. If I absolutely had to for some economical reason… no I just wouldn’t. It just doesn’t make sense for me to ever get married. Am I so wrong? I like to keep things very simple because I, obviously, am very easily anxious. I keep things simple to better suit myself.

I feel like I should apologize a lot for this. I don’t mean to take away any value from some one’s relationship. I am talking only about how I feel about it regarding my own life. My parents are happily married. I should probably want the same thing but for some reason I don’t.

A few months ago I thought my 5 year relationship was going to end. It was August. Cory kept suggesting that when we hit our 5th anniversary in January he was going to ask me to get married “because he didn’t want to be one of those couples.”

I was really nervous about this and for those months I was an absolute wrecking ball of emotions. I was trying to prepare to end my relationship because of our own personal beliefs being so drastically different. I didn’t want to make him be like me and I was not going to allow myself to do something against my own beliefs. He wouldn’t have me around if I was not “His” though. Well, it blew up, and we almost broke up… but ending our relationship never happened. I’m very happy about this. Cory is finally understanding the complications that come with marriage and I’m really grateful to have such an open-minded, forgiving, and understanding individual in my life. Let’s be loner fuck-up weirdos - together - for a long time.

I still wonder if this is what he really wants, I guess time will tell. I would never pressure any one to do something they didn’t want to do. Luckily, Frank Zappa never got married and that’s like Cory’s main inspiration, so thanks Frank Zappa!!! Seriously, I love you Frank Zappa for pretty much just that reason… and Baby Snakes.

I keep suggesting Quiet by Susan Cain to people buying business-building personality books. Suck it, Dale Carnegie. I’m gonna make people feel good every damn day.

Not that it’s wrong to want to be a good speaker or have a ~sparking personality~, but I feel like to supplement buying a book about “improving yourself” with a book that questions, examines, and tears down that very idea is some how making a tiny bit of a difference. I had 3 people today look at that book for over 20 minutes after I showed them their Dale Carnegie/Steven Covey-esque book they were originally looking for. It’s like saying “Okay, go ahead and try to be some one else, but here’s something to make you feel good about dreading it.”

I’m a mixture of introversion and extroversion, (though I do surround myself with true introverts? hmm.) but I’d rather make some one think about something differently for a moment than merely grab their attention…

Ooo sociology and psychology are some of my favorite things to ponder about all day long.

And thinking about how I’m a mixture of everything and anything is making me feel anxious again. WHY AM I THE WAY I AM. I am so GREY

Messing around more today. I decided to do my own version of the Delusions of Gender cover. I’m going to add more to it, but I like it just like this too.